Ray of Hope

Hi

so i got this call out of the blue and I wasnt expecting it to be honest. I gave an exam a long time ago to get interview for a job as business analyst. 

I got a call and the lady takes an informal telephonic interview which ofcourse went shit but still I feel a little better inside.

That’s all. It just feels a little better. That maybe things will work out for the best and living won’t be that bad afterall.

Thankyou

Dreamer

Depression Diaries:Unspoken

Hi

My hellish house has a unspoken rule that as soon as the person walks out, they are supposed to talk all that they feel about him after he has gone so I have taken up the habit to listen when they do because they wont tell you to the face. I feel if they did tell the person so the relationship would be so much better. I am a person who feels being straight forward and honest would make the world a so much better place to live in. but its just me. No one is comfortable talking what they feel out loud. It would be too true for them, too pure. We like adulterated, shitty things. So I am trying to keep quiet now a days. I don’t talk to people, tell them how I feel except for here ofcourse. The silent rule of this blog is no one knows who I am, not even my name.

Thankyou

Dreamer

Blank?

Hi

I dont know what to write today and I am a writer since i entered in teenage and maybe before that and when I am out again. You see I stopped writing. Poems and stories left me. My insipiration(not that it was a happy one) left me and I no longer wrote. Not even those erotic scenes I used to write to my ex boyfriend.

I have one opportunity left and only one thing that can give me a little of what is left in my life back. I don’t want to stay at my parents anymore and getting admission for my masters is the only way that i can see and it’s the only hope. I would rather die than live this life anymore. One exam will decide what my life will be. I had one more option and that was to propose my boyfriend since almost four years and three months to marry me because I thought it was time but he thinks its too early. so i don’t know how to get over that heartbreak either. And how to forgive myself for all this.

Molestation, failure and now a heartbreak from a person I thought could never see me hurt. The last blow shall make me loose all my hope. I have already lost hope. The only thing that is left is the love I feel towards myself. Slowly I am loosing my love for my god also. I wonder how can he see me in so much pain for almost two years and yet not do something about it. You know they are supposed o be our guiding angel not the silent watchers who see our pain and enjoy from it? I don’t want to believe in anything and anyone anymore. It physically hurts me.

 

Thanking you

Dreamer

Depression Diaries: ICE CREAM

HI

Do you have some kind of food that makes you feel free in this suffocating life. The walls seem to close on you, all the hope is dying and you can’t seem to stop crying and you run out to market to find that one flavour of ice cream or that particular variety of chips or the best chocos flavour(mine is crunchy bites by the way)?

Food gives me high. I don’t do drugs so this is my sort of freedom. Ice cream lets me think that I am still the kid who doesn’t has to prove herself and has the world on her shoulders, I am the girl in a cheap men’s hair salon who has to get her hair short and then i will get a orange candy.

I want to be that girl who used to stand infront of his father’s scooter and when I got taller i had to scoop down so that he can see the traffic. It was better when I was in lower middle class i guess.

 

thankyou

Dreamer

Past Present Future

Hi my inquisitive souls.

The topic for today’s discussion is very, I would like to say Difficult. Staying in the present. Don’t think about the past, what has happened you can’t change hence the past. And don’t overthink you can’t change what will happen. So what can we do really?

In my culture it is said that we have our destiny, then why do we have the liberty to choose. Does our destiny change with our choices? Who really does decide our destiny? And what are we then? PUPPETS?

I know these are a lot of unanswered questions but do these intrigue anyone else?

I am thinking all of this even though I have a very important paper coming up. It is raining so I think the weather justifies my overthinking.

Love

Dreamer

New Hopes

Hi my inquisitive souls.

This is my new hope and new dream. There is this exam for an institute Indian Statistical Institute. And I wanna apply for masters. But the syllabus is all maths and lets be honest I am not very good at maths and this is not engineering level maths. This is research level maths. I don’t know what future hold for me but this is the last hope I have to be something and I really don’t know what to do if I fail at this too.

Suggestions and feelings are welcome.

Thank you

Dreamer

Love: part 3-Anniversary.

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We complete four years of togetherness on February 22 this year. But we can’t meet on that day because he has to go somewhere out of the city. So he bought me these books that I showed him in a bookstore called crossroads a while ago. And a rose.

Getting a rose makes me sort of sad. Maybe because i can’t preserve its freshness and the smell i get. Does this happens to you too? I mean it’s not just that. I love him so much that when he does something for me out of the ordinary, i feel guilt. Is it normal? I am immensely happy but the love is overwhelming.

I ask myself, I am fat. I look average. The only thing good about me is that I am an extremist. And never have I ever got the answer to why such a good looking guy would say yes to me. But he did and still does. Everyday! And that love has grown.

I know he loves me. Maybe more than I love him. And I feel guilty that maybe my love will not be enough.

Thanking You

Dreamer