Why can’t I be free?

Hi

So to come to the lane where my house is there is this bridge where we generally parks our cars. Today when I parked my car there, rather than coming to my house I wanted to walk in the opposite direction. In only one tshirt and pajamas phoneless and cashless. I know it sounds absurd but I don’t know when will I be free. I just wanted to walk out and never come back.

Thank you

Dreamer

Depression Diaries: LIE?

Hi 

um…I lied to my boyfriend for the first time in the 4 years and 3 months we have been together. That i was okay. Its past midnight and I am as usual feeling every damn emotion in extremity. 

You know the quote about loving someone to it’s zenith point. I feel every emotion to its brim. Sadness, love and most of all I feel my will to live slowly die out on me. It takes every ounce of my strength to get through another day.

Will he be better without me? I only bring sadness to him and to myself. I am a living breathing induction machine for sadness.

Hope will save me someday or depression will envelope me?

thank you

Dreamer

Blank?

Hi

I dont know what to write today and I am a writer since i entered in teenage and maybe before that and when I am out again. You see I stopped writing. Poems and stories left me. My insipiration(not that it was a happy one) left me and I no longer wrote. Not even those erotic scenes I used to write to my ex boyfriend.

I have one opportunity left and only one thing that can give me a little of what is left in my life back. I don’t want to stay at my parents anymore and getting admission for my masters is the only way that i can see and it’s the only hope. I would rather die than live this life anymore. One exam will decide what my life will be. I had one more option and that was to propose my boyfriend since almost four years and three months to marry me because I thought it was time but he thinks its too early. so i don’t know how to get over that heartbreak either. And how to forgive myself for all this.

Molestation, failure and now a heartbreak from a person I thought could never see me hurt. The last blow shall make me loose all my hope. I have already lost hope. The only thing that is left is the love I feel towards myself. Slowly I am loosing my love for my god also. I wonder how can he see me in so much pain for almost two years and yet not do something about it. You know they are supposed o be our guiding angel not the silent watchers who see our pain and enjoy from it? I don’t want to believe in anything and anyone anymore. It physically hurts me.

 

Thanking you

Dreamer

New Hopes

Hi my inquisitive souls.

This is my new hope and new dream. There is this exam for an institute Indian Statistical Institute. And I wanna apply for masters. But the syllabus is all maths and lets be honest I am not very good at maths and this is not engineering level maths. This is research level maths. I don’t know what future hold for me but this is the last hope I have to be something and I really don’t know what to do if I fail at this too.

Suggestions and feelings are welcome.

Thank you

Dreamer

Love: My Issues (part4)

You all know quite a bit about my story. If you don’t read the series before. Today i feel very sad about a thing which I didn’t realise in the last month. 

He is going to Goa with his friends and I can’t go. I looked up the places he will be visiting online today and that physically aches because he will be having a lot of fun and it will be a memory and i won’t be there. 

It physically hurts that i wanna marry him but he keeps on saying no. So yes it is a dream come true love story, and yes he is right when he says no to marriage because we are just 23 but i feel i am ready. I don’t know what to think.

All I know is, he is my once upon a time and he is my happily ever after..

Thank you

Dreamer.

Love: part 3-Anniversary.

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We complete four years of togetherness on February 22 this year. But we can’t meet on that day because he has to go somewhere out of the city. So he bought me these books that I showed him in a bookstore called crossroads a while ago. And a rose.

Getting a rose makes me sort of sad. Maybe because i can’t preserve its freshness and the smell i get. Does this happens to you too? I mean it’s not just that. I love him so much that when he does something for me out of the ordinary, i feel guilt. Is it normal? I am immensely happy but the love is overwhelming.

I ask myself, I am fat. I look average. The only thing good about me is that I am an extremist. And never have I ever got the answer to why such a good looking guy would say yes to me. But he did and still does. Everyday! And that love has grown.

I know he loves me. Maybe more than I love him. And I feel guilty that maybe my love will not be enough.

Thanking You

Dreamer

A Father’s Betrayal

Hi my inquisitive souls..

It’s about how a parents manipulates you and then breaks your trust for good. They don’t get you nor do they get the intensity with which you want to fight for yourself and gain a name.

One such incident happened with me recently. There are multiple but this one broke my heart. I have been giving series of examination to hopefully get a job  in government arena but I have failed to do that and maybe there are shortcomings in my effort but whatever. So he used to haunt me that study or I will marry you off and now when I have failed I come to know that just wasn’t to haunt  me but was real. Now he really wants to marry me off at fucking 22!.

Betrayal is that two days ago when I asked him what if I failed in this and he said don’t worry I will set you up your own business and now this.

When I inquired about the business he said that you can do all that after marriage.

Trust was broken and maybe after all these I should have learnt better. Heart was broken that if not your dad, whom are you supposed to trust anymore?

THANKYOU

BROKEN DREAMER