Depression Diaries: Voices

Hi

up untill now I didnt notice this but I have these negative voices in my head which want me to do things that I actually dont want to but they are so convincing that I believe them.

They have gotten upto new task. Not exactly new but i realised it recently that they want me to break up with my boyfriend. And they are making me believe things that I know are not true. What do I do?

Why can’t I be free?

Hi

So to come to the lane where my house is there is this bridge where we generally parks our cars. Today when I parked my car there, rather than coming to my house I wanted to walk in the opposite direction. In only one tshirt and pajamas phoneless and cashless. I know it sounds absurd but I don’t know when will I be free. I just wanted to walk out and never come back.

Thank you

Dreamer

Depression Diaries: LIE?

Hi 

um…I lied to my boyfriend for the first time in the 4 years and 3 months we have been together. That i was okay. Its past midnight and I am as usual feeling every damn emotion in extremity. 

You know the quote about loving someone to it’s zenith point. I feel every emotion to its brim. Sadness, love and most of all I feel my will to live slowly die out on me. It takes every ounce of my strength to get through another day.

Will he be better without me? I only bring sadness to him and to myself. I am a living breathing induction machine for sadness.

Hope will save me someday or depression will envelope me?

thank you

Dreamer

Depression Diaries:Unspoken

Hi

My hellish house has a unspoken rule that as soon as the person walks out, they are supposed to talk all that they feel about him after he has gone so I have taken up the habit to listen when they do because they wont tell you to the face. I feel if they did tell the person so the relationship would be so much better. I am a person who feels being straight forward and honest would make the world a so much better place to live in. but its just me. No one is comfortable talking what they feel out loud. It would be too true for them, too pure. We like adulterated, shitty things. So I am trying to keep quiet now a days. I don’t talk to people, tell them how I feel except for here ofcourse. The silent rule of this blog is no one knows who I am, not even my name.

Thankyou

Dreamer

Blank?

Hi

I dont know what to write today and I am a writer since i entered in teenage and maybe before that and when I am out again. You see I stopped writing. Poems and stories left me. My insipiration(not that it was a happy one) left me and I no longer wrote. Not even those erotic scenes I used to write to my ex boyfriend.

I have one opportunity left and only one thing that can give me a little of what is left in my life back. I don’t want to stay at my parents anymore and getting admission for my masters is the only way that i can see and it’s the only hope. I would rather die than live this life anymore. One exam will decide what my life will be. I had one more option and that was to propose my boyfriend since almost four years and three months to marry me because I thought it was time but he thinks its too early. so i don’t know how to get over that heartbreak either. And how to forgive myself for all this.

Molestation, failure and now a heartbreak from a person I thought could never see me hurt. The last blow shall make me loose all my hope. I have already lost hope. The only thing that is left is the love I feel towards myself. Slowly I am loosing my love for my god also. I wonder how can he see me in so much pain for almost two years and yet not do something about it. You know they are supposed o be our guiding angel not the silent watchers who see our pain and enjoy from it? I don’t want to believe in anything and anyone anymore. It physically hurts me.

 

Thanking you

Dreamer

Depression Diaries: ICE CREAM

HI

Do you have some kind of food that makes you feel free in this suffocating life. The walls seem to close on you, all the hope is dying and you can’t seem to stop crying and you run out to market to find that one flavour of ice cream or that particular variety of chips or the best chocos flavour(mine is crunchy bites by the way)?

Food gives me high. I don’t do drugs so this is my sort of freedom. Ice cream lets me think that I am still the kid who doesn’t has to prove herself and has the world on her shoulders, I am the girl in a cheap men’s hair salon who has to get her hair short and then i will get a orange candy.

I want to be that girl who used to stand infront of his father’s scooter and when I got taller i had to scoop down so that he can see the traffic. It was better when I was in lower middle class i guess.

 

thankyou

Dreamer

Comfort Food.-Depression Diary

Hi my inquisitive souls.

People with depression would be familiar with this concept of COMFORT FOOD. This habit of eating whenever you are feeling sad generally leads to self destruction in many ways. It’s not just about being healthy and unhealthy or over weight and skinny. Food becomes your drug. And being addicted to anything is dangerous in this world.

For me food is more than comfort, IT IS MY BEST FRIEND. But in the same way you have to leave the negative  influence behind, I have to leave food and choose healthier and better options. I don’t want food to control my life. It is my life and I want to turn it around.

I love weight lifting more than anything and to see improvement in that we need to control a large part of what we feed our bodies with. I am trying my bit to improve my health and my life. And I urge everyone who have some sort of mental or physical disorder. Try to take control of your life.

BE BRAVE. BE IN CONTROL. IT’S YOUR LIFE.

Thanking you

DREAMER