up untill now I didnt notice this but I have these negative voices in my head which want me to do things that I actually dont want to but they are so convincing that I believe them.
They have gotten upto new task. Not exactly new but i realised it recently that they want me to break up with my boyfriend. And they are making me believe things that I know are not true. What do I do?
so i got this call out of the blue and I wasnt expecting it to be honest. I gave an exam a long time ago to get interview for a job as business analyst.
I got a call and the lady takes an informal telephonic interview which ofcourse went shit but still I feel a little better inside.
That’s all. It just feels a little better. That maybe things will work out for the best and living won’t be that bad afterall.
So to come to the lane where my house is there is this bridge where we generally parks our cars. Today when I parked my car there, rather than coming to my house I wanted to walk in the opposite direction. In only one tshirt and pajamas phoneless and cashless. I know it sounds absurd but I don’t know when will I be free. I just wanted to walk out and never come back.
um…I lied to my boyfriend for the first time in the 4 years and 3 months we have been together. That i was okay. Its past midnight and I am as usual feeling every damn emotion in extremity.
You know the quote about loving someone to it’s zenith point. I feel every emotion to its brim. Sadness, love and most of all I feel my will to live slowly die out on me. It takes every ounce of my strength to get through another day.
Will he be better without me? I only bring sadness to him and to myself. I am a living breathing induction machine for sadness.
Hope will save me someday or depression will envelope me?
My hellish house has a unspoken rule that as soon as the person walks out, they are supposed to talk all that they feel about him after he has gone so I have taken up the habit to listen when they do because they wont tell you to the face. I feel if they did tell the person so the relationship would be so much better. I am a person who feels being straight forward and honest would make the world a so much better place to live in. but its just me. No one is comfortable talking what they feel out loud. It would be too true for them, too pure. We like adulterated, shitty things. So I am trying to keep quiet now a days. I don’t talk to people, tell them how I feel except for here ofcourse. The silent rule of this blog is no one knows who I am, not even my name.
Do you have some kind of food that makes you feel free in this suffocating life. The walls seem to close on you, all the hope is dying and you can’t seem to stop crying and you run out to market to find that one flavour of ice cream or that particular variety of chips or the best chocos flavour(mine is crunchy bites by the way)?
Food gives me high. I don’t do drugs so this is my sort of freedom. Ice cream lets me think that I am still the kid who doesn’t has to prove herself and has the world on her shoulders, I am the girl in a cheap men’s hair salon who has to get her hair short and then i will get a orange candy.
I want to be that girl who used to stand infront of his father’s scooter and when I got taller i had to scoop down so that he can see the traffic. It was better when I was in lower middle class i guess.
You all know quite a bit about my story. If you don’t read the series before. Today i feel very sad about a thing which I didn’t realise in the last month.
He is going to Goa with his friends and I can’t go. I looked up the places he will be visiting online today and that physically aches because he will be having a lot of fun and it will be a memory and i won’t be there.
It physically hurts that i wanna marry him but he keeps on saying no. So yes it is a dream come true love story, and yes he is right when he says no to marriage because we are just 23 but i feel i am ready. I don’t know what to think.
All I know is, he is my once upon a time and he is my happily ever after..