Depression Diaries: Voices


up untill now I didnt notice this but I have these negative voices in my head which want me to do things that I actually dont want to but they are so convincing that I believe them.

They have gotten upto new task. Not exactly new but i realised it recently that they want me to break up with my boyfriend. And they are making me believe things that I know are not true. What do I do?

Ray of Hope


so i got this call out of the blue and I wasnt expecting it to be honest. I gave an exam a long time ago to get interview for a job as business analyst. 

I got a call and the lady takes an informal telephonic interview which ofcourse went shit but still I feel a little better inside.

That’s all. It just feels a little better. That maybe things will work out for the best and living won’t be that bad afterall.



Why can’t I be free?


So to come to the lane where my house is there is this bridge where we generally parks our cars. Today when I parked my car there, rather than coming to my house I wanted to walk in the opposite direction. In only one tshirt and pajamas phoneless and cashless. I know it sounds absurd but I don’t know when will I be free. I just wanted to walk out and never come back.

Thank you


Depression Diaries: LIE?


um…I lied to my boyfriend for the first time in the 4 years and 3 months we have been together. That i was okay. Its past midnight and I am as usual feeling every damn emotion in extremity. 

You know the quote about loving someone to it’s zenith point. I feel every emotion to its brim. Sadness, love and most of all I feel my will to live slowly die out on me. It takes every ounce of my strength to get through another day.

Will he be better without me? I only bring sadness to him and to myself. I am a living breathing induction machine for sadness.

Hope will save me someday or depression will envelope me?

thank you




I dont know what to write today and I am a writer since i entered in teenage and maybe before that and when I am out again. You see I stopped writing. Poems and stories left me. My insipiration(not that it was a happy one) left me and I no longer wrote. Not even those erotic scenes I used to write to my ex boyfriend.

I have one opportunity left and only one thing that can give me a little of what is left in my life back. I don’t want to stay at my parents anymore and getting admission for my masters is the only way that i can see and it’s the only hope. I would rather die than live this life anymore. One exam will decide what my life will be. I had one more option and that was to propose my boyfriend since almost four years and three months to marry me because I thought it was time but he thinks its too early. so i don’t know how to get over that heartbreak either. And how to forgive myself for all this.

Molestation, failure and now a heartbreak from a person I thought could never see me hurt. The last blow shall make me loose all my hope. I have already lost hope. The only thing that is left is the love I feel towards myself. Slowly I am loosing my love for my god also. I wonder how can he see me in so much pain for almost two years and yet not do something about it. You know they are supposed o be our guiding angel not the silent watchers who see our pain and enjoy from it? I don’t want to believe in anything and anyone anymore. It physically hurts me.


Thanking you


Depression Diaries: ICE CREAM


Do you have some kind of food that makes you feel free in this suffocating life. The walls seem to close on you, all the hope is dying and you can’t seem to stop crying and you run out to market to find that one flavour of ice cream or that particular variety of chips or the best chocos flavour(mine is crunchy bites by the way)?

Food gives me high. I don’t do drugs so this is my sort of freedom. Ice cream lets me think that I am still the kid who doesn’t has to prove herself and has the world on her shoulders, I am the girl in a cheap men’s hair salon who has to get her hair short and then i will get a orange candy.

I want to be that girl who used to stand infront of his father’s scooter and when I got taller i had to scoop down so that he can see the traffic. It was better when I was in lower middle class i guess.




Past Present Future

Hi my inquisitive souls.

The topic for today’s discussion is very, I would like to say Difficult. Staying in the present. Don’t think about the past, what has happened you can’t change hence the past. And don’t overthink you can’t change what will happen. So what can we do really?

In my culture it is said that we have our destiny, then why do we have the liberty to choose. Does our destiny change with our choices? Who really does decide our destiny? And what are we then? PUPPETS?

I know these are a lot of unanswered questions but do these intrigue anyone else?

I am thinking all of this even though I have a very important paper coming up. It is raining so I think the weather justifies my overthinking.